Choose yourself
Imad Yousafzai
“Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball
Many of us spend their lives trying to make other people happy, doing everything for them and expending their energy in the process. Unfortunately, we often find ourselves lacking the same kind of love, care, and time from them in return. We end up feeling alone, with nobody there to provide support or motivate us during difficult times. For many, love is an emotion typically reserved for special people in our lives. But who is more deserving of this intense feeling of deep affection than the person staring back at you in the mirror?
Have you ever taken the time to think about yourself? Have you ever made time for yourself after a busy day, perhaps with a cup of tea, sitting on the balcony of your room, looking at the shining stars and moon, feeling the gentle breeze, and reflecting on your day? Have you considered your likes and dislikes, your happiness, and the achievements of your day, while planning for the next day? I understand that for many, the answer is a resounding “No”, because, we live in a society where self-love has not been taught.
In our society, from childhood we are constantly taught to prioritize pleasing others. We are encouraged to sacrifice our own happiness and as a result, we become so absorbed in satisfying others that we often neglect ourselves. If someone dares to prioritize self-love, he/she is often labeled as selfish. However, loving yourself is not synonymous with being selfish. When you indulge in buying something for yourself or pursue something you genuinely enjoy, it doesn’t make you selfish. It is important to prioritize your own happiness and not constantly fixate on pleasing others.
Research conducted by psychologists reveals that the concept of self-love plays a crucial role in an individual’s overall well-being and mental health. Those who possess a healthy sense of self-love tend to exhibit higher levels of self-esteem and are more resilient in the face of stress. Moreover, they often report greater life satisfaction and overall happiness.
A renowned psychologist, who has extensively spoken about self-love, is Dr Christina Hibbert. She emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and self-acceptance as foundational aspects of self-love. According to her, “Self-love is not about being self-absorbed or selfish, but about honoring ourselves, knowing our own worth, and practicing self-care.”
Jeffrey Borenstein, the President of the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, also says: “Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.”
What is self-love? Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good, it is an action. It is a choice and a way of relating to yourself that involves being understanding of your mistakes, understanding in your losses, and being able to effectively communicate with yourself about life without harshly judging or punishing yourself.
Similarly, when our loved ones make a mistake, we often forgive them easily, but when we make a mistake, we are often too hard on ourselves. It is okay if you have made mistakes in the past, but don’t hate yourself for that as everyone learns from the past mistakes.
Dr Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, highlights the significance of treating ourselves with kindness and understanding. In her research, she explains, “Self-compassion involves being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or berating ourselves with self-criticism.”
Initially, embarking on the journey of self-love may seem challenging, however, once you begin to care for yourself and prioritize it, the need for external validation and dependence on others diminishes, then you find solace and enjoyment in your own company.
To achieve this, several crucial steps must be taken: trusting yourself, engaging in positive self-talk, prioritizing your own happiness, being authentic to yourself, treating yourself with kindness, establishing emotional and physiological boundaries, and steadfastly refusing to let anyone break them.
The benefits of self-love are numerous. Firstly, you become less dependent on others for your happiness and fulfillment. Secondly, when someone speaks negatively about you, you will not pay attention to his/her words because you will recognize your self-worth and the value you bring to the table. Thirdly, you will start viewing the world with a fresh perspective, allowing you to appreciate the beauty and intricacies of life. Lastly, self-love enables you to fully enjoy every moment and experience life to the fullest.
In short, your self is your best friend. So, accept yourself as you accept your friends and family and always remember that nothing is better than the love you give to yourself. Every time when you stand in front of the mirror, tell yourself, “Dear self, you are unique. You have the ability to accomplish anything. You are special and don't require anyone’s validation. Never stop learning and growing, and don’t let anyone hinder you from achieving your dreams.”
The writer is an MPhil scholar at the Department of Political Science, University of Peshawar. He can be reached at: saabphir1@gmail.com.
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